Is it normal to feel guilt when you fear losing someone you love?

Sometimes I think I only annoy people while I am alive, but then when I die they will come out the woodwork and act all sad as if they didn't want me to leave in the first place. I think that is a bunch of nonsense. All I seem to do is find new ways to get people angry or neglect them so maybe going to sleep won't be such a bad idea after all. Is it normal to want to protect everyone you love from dying, yet want to die yourself when you are plagued with guilt for all your misdeeds? I imagine everyone I love flatlining in the hospital because of my stupidity, accidents, & conflicts resulting in emotional pain for them: being late for work, breaking a dish, losing something, snapping back rudely, or other things that make me feel bad about myself and others feel angry with me. At leas when I rest in peace I won't be a threat to anyone anymore. They might cry, but then they will move on and be glad it's NOT them (that they are not permanently asleep) like I am. And sometimes I think that will be so refreshing to have no more pain.